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Name: Jayne Lee Mei Ying
Age: 16 years old
Date of Birth: June 29th 1992
Location: Malaysia

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Saturday, August 30, 2008
Seasons In The Sun
10:37 PM

Goodbye to you, my trusted friend.
We've known each other since we were nine or ten,
Together we climbed hills or trees,
Learned of love and ABC's,
skinned our hearts and skinned our knees.

The first time I listened to this song was when I, myself, was nine or ten. My Primary 3 English teacher - Mdm. Tan - had this funny idea that singing English songs, every Tuesday of the week, in morning assembly, would help improve everyone's English (especially since my primary school was predominantly Malay/Indonesian).

I thought it was a boring song, at first - the lyrics made absolutely no sense to my nine-year old child brain - and I only memorized the lyrics because we sang it over and over again that year, and I like singing. But I was more interested in singing Uptown Girl, actually.

Shows how under-exposed I was to music as a kid. And that I had an early taste for boy-band pop. Anyway, I used to think this song was corny, like To Sir With Love (another song we had to sing... which my mother did not approve of at all), and for the past 7 years, the thought of it never once crossed my mind again.

Until now.

Goodbye my friend, it's hard to die,
when all the birds are singing in the sky,
Now that the spring is in the air,
Pretty girls are everywhere,
When you see them I'll be there.

I'm not sure when, but, last week or so, I was standing in the shower, thinking about what I should blog about next, and suddenly, I remembered this song for absolutely no reason. But then I realized... it completely fits.

Everything that's going on in my life, right now, it's all associated to change, to moving on, to leaving behind the past and seeking the future. That's a bit cliche, but it's true. Soon, I'll be so far away from everything I've ever known, from the country I grew up in, from all of my friends (I'm going to miss you guys, so much!), from the life I have here.

But that's not a bad thing, not at all. If there's anything I've learned, while growing up, it's that things change. People change. Circumstances change. Situations change. Nobody's ever been able to invent a perpetual-motion machine, because it's impossible. Nothing's meant to stay the same way forever.

It has to change, whether we like it or not.

We had joy, we had fun, we had seasons in the sun.
But the hills that we climbed,
were just seasons out of time.

When I think back over all the stuff that's shaped me over the years, into who I am now, I realize how I could never have imagined myself turning out this way. If someone had told me, at age six, when I'd been so full of so many dreams, so many desires, that I'd develop obsessive-compulsive disorder at age 11, and not know it, or that I'd suddenly get an outbreak of acne that I thought would go away by itself, and never did... I would have been scared out of my wits.

But there's a reason nobody told me. It's not that nobody could have expected any of that to happen (which is true, but beside the point I'm trying to make), but because, if I'd known that would have happened eventually, I'd have tried to stop it, prevent it, keep it from happening, of, course, and then my life would have turned out picture-perfect, maybe, the way I'd imagined it to be, as a naive child.

Still, all of it happened for a reason. It taught me to be more understanding of others, to learn how to empathize, to realize that I can never have a perfect life, to accept that I have to love myself for who I am. I used to hate myself, so much. I'd call myself every possible insult available, just because I was frustrated with how I couldn't be perfect, no matter how much I tried.

I've learned that flaws count for so much more than perfection ever will.

Goodbye, Papa, please pray for me,
I was the black sheep of the family.
You tried to teach me right from wrong.
Too much wine and too much song,
wonder how I get along.

What does all of that have to do with change? Quite a lot. When my life was crappy and I was miserable, I thought it would never end. I'd long for the past, wish I could still be six years old - I even prayed for God to turn back time for me, once. But, then the bad times... they started to fade slowly.

It wasn't an instantaneous change. First, it was just small things, but then, the big things followed too, and one day, I woke up and found out that I had nothing to be sad about anymore. The good times, the happy ones... they've finally started. And I'm not going to let them go again, not as easily as before.

Once you've weathered the storm, you find out that, no matter how brutal it may have been... you wouldn't trade it for something less harsh, or less hard. Why? Because it's your storm. Those experiences, good or bad, are what made you, into you. Despite how much you may wish you were someone else, how much you may try to be that other person, being yourself is always easier; it's what's best - for you and for everyone else.

Nobody else can be you. You can't be anybody else. Your experiences are unique to you, and you only; your thoughts are yours only. You might think you're boring, or less interesting than that other person out there, who's supposedly better than you, but you're not. Your stories, no matter how simple or insignificant they might seem to you, could be the most mind-blowing things to somebody else.

But, this is so far off-topic, yet again, so let's get back on track, okay?

Goodbye, Papa, it's hard to die,
when all the birds are singing in the sky,
Now that the spring is in the air.
Little children everywhere.
When you see them I'll be there.

For me, I define the seasons in my life, based on the details of what was going on in my life, then. Say, I was obsessed with watching MTV every afternoon, earlier this year, before I took my O Levels, but then, once I was done with my exams, the urge to watch MTV faded, and I found it to be the bland channel it always was, once again. However, I'll forever remember that phase of my life, where I watched MTV in the afternoons, while doing laundry, as the phase when I was nervous, scared - afraid I wouldn't do well in my exams - and procrastinated studying, all the time.

See, small things like that change, just as the big things do, and in a way, it makes parts of life easier to remember, and differentiate from each other. The kind of music you listened to one year, would be different the next year, as you discovered more bands and more songs. So, when you listen to certain songs, you could suddenly be brought back to a time in your life when things were different from the way they are now.

Which is a good way of reminding you to treasure whatever you have now... because you won't always have it, and once it's gone, you can't get it back.

We had joy, we had fun, we had seasons in the sun.
But the wine and the song,
like the seasons, all have gone.

I used to always look forward to the future, but too much so, that I would forget about living in the present. I'd always think, "One day, I'll have a better life than the one I have now." But by doing that, I robbed myself of being happy with what I had then. I didn't know how much I'd miss secondary school - as much as I hated it - until I'd left. I wouldn't want to go back, but I still miss the familiar routine of waking up, sleepy and upset in the mornings, and having to do homework every day.

That's why, I'm not going to waste my days anymore. No more thinking of trying to achieve the perfect, unattainable future. It'll come when it comes, and I'll take it as it does. But for now, I'll just be happy that I'm healthy, that I get to laugh over little things, that I have a bed to sleep in, that I have the coolest friends ever, and that I've got so many reasons to smile.

Goodbye, Michelle, my little one.
You gave me love and helped me find the sun.
And every time that I was down,
you would always come around,
and get my feet back on the ground.

This season in my life, it's coming to an end soon. One more month, and I'll watch a new season unfold before me. I don't know what's in store, but I can hope and pray, it'll be a season as wonderful as this one is. However it turns out, I'll embrace it with open arms.

I can already feel the change happening. I've been hanging out on DeviantArt so regularly, now, that I've become really inspired to do art, and write. This sort of inspiration... I've never gotten it before. And it's the best feeling ever. I never want it to leave. I feel like I can do anything, and it's amazing to have so many ideas inside your head, all at the same time.

Oh, and I've also kind-of got myself hooked on watching VLogging videos on YouTube. There's a whole community of them, and I never knew there was such a thing as VLogging. Well, consciously, I didn't. Subconsciously, I think I did. I don't think I'd want to actually start VLogging (I actually pronounce that as "vee-logging", not "vlogging", eventhough I'm trying to get myself to stop), but I'm practicing some songs on the piano, so maybe I might post videos of myself playing the piano instead.

Funnily enough, I even have a subscriber, already. How'd that happen? (Rhetorical question. I know how it happened.)

Goodbye, Michelle, it's hard to die
when all the birds are singing in the sky,
Now that the spring is in the air,
With the flowers everywhere,
I wish that we could both be there.

Seasons In The Sun. I never understood the song's true meaning until now. I thought the idea of dying was cruel, and that the song was sad and served to make people unhappy. Now, I see that it was exactly what it was : a song about the seasons in life. About how happy some seasons were, how many seasons have passed, how you wish some didn't have to end, and how, after all of them have gone, the dreams you thought were so high up and hard to reach, you've already found, so long ago.

We had joy, we had fun, we had seasons in the sun.
But the stars we could reach,
were just starfish on the beach.