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beauty .

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Name: Jayne Lee Mei Ying
Age: 16 years old
Date of Birth: June 29th 1992
Location: Malaysia

Touch a feeling you've never had.
Hear a voice you didn't know.
See a person you hadn't thought of.

patience .

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Wednesday, April 30, 2008
Some New Words
7:37 PM

Yay! I got my blog a new skin, and it's way more inspiring than my old one (and I get to cram more stuff into one web-page). After all, blogs are like your online soul, so it's crucial to get it just the right skin. I prefer navigational skins, since it makes it feel more interactive and then, you don't just stare at everything all spread out on one front-page. You get to visit their individual rooms! I'm lame, yes.

So, my exams are getting closer, and closer, and there's only two more weeks before the first paper, so I'm scrambling to get through my math, and then my biology. Plus, I still have this thick 800-page book on world history to read! And then, my neglected Geography books are pushed all the way back, but then again, Geography's easy to read and remember. Still, there's so much stuff to read.

But, the fact, that soon I'll be free, and partying up in Genting, motivates me to keep studying (besides, I like studying, just not the part where my answers come out wrong...) everyday. Oh, yeah! The Borders anniversary book-sale is this week. I hope they got new shipments in, already. The Luxe, Extras, Ink Exchange, The Sweet Farthing... I've been wanting them for practically forever now. And I really need some new reading material before my English starts degrading.

):

I hope Claire can convince her parents to let her go to Genting instead of her cousin's wedding. We already bought the tickets! Sigh. Family functions suck. Like, it's just a compulsory thing you do because your parents make you do it, and it completely doesn't matter that you don't know anyone there, and nobody would notice if you went or not. Grrr.

Oh, and we're going to make a giant Chatgasm emoticon dice to bring to the Click concert. :]

I'm thinking styrofoam bases, then I'll use my acrylic paints to paint them on, and then wrap the six-sides in clear plastic (if we bring it to the concert, the styrofoam wouldn't be able to survive on it's own D:), and then assemble it using sticky tack! So, you can un-assemble and re-assemble for transporting convenience. See, I'm innovative!

In this life
Give me love
Give me light
Show me everything that's been happening
Open up my eyes
- In This Life, Delta Goodrem

I really need to open up my eyes. Literally. Lately, I've been doing so many things without inadequate light, that my eyes are getting weaker. I just prefer being in the dark to the light, see. So, I usually keep the fluorescent lights off, when the sun's still shining outside, eventhough it's quite dark inside. But, it's exhausting my eyes. ):

My dad bought me a yellow-green sweater from Africa which I can't use in Malaysian weather, and won't use up in Genting, because obviously I'll be wearing my hoodie to the concert. And I now have another cat decoration in my room - it's a paperweight cat sculpture with brown fur-tones, and a speckled white tail. Very classy. Sort-of.

Oh, and my mom asked me if I wanted to go see a movie tomorrow, since it's Labour Day and it being a holiday and all. Which is kinda strange, since my mom generally thinks we go to the cinema more than we should. But, whatever. So, I'm thinking Definitely, Maybe. The rest of the other stuff isn't too appealing, and apparently, Definitely, Maybe's a good movie?

Actually, if I hadn't forgotten to call my youth church pastor's wife on Monday, we'd be watching The 11th Hour (that global warming documentary by Leonardo DiCaprio) tomorrow instead, since she said that she'd gotten 20 free tickets for anyone in our youth group who's interested. Oh, well. I accidentally watched half of An Inconvenient Truth on Sunday anyway, and that was enough for me.

Ok, enough of an update for now. See ya! :]


Thursday, April 17, 2008
From Deep Down
7:27 PM

Here's how I feel about you, right now:

Every time, I see a guy who looks more physically attractive than you are, I just think of you instead. And I think that I don't care that they have muscles and better hair. I think that I'd rather have you put your arm around me, and walk hand-in-hand with you down the beach.

You seem to understand everything about me, in so many ways. When I see your replies, I giggle, and suddenly, my whole day is so much better. I want to know everything there is to know about you; I gather every little detail because it just makes me love you more.

I wonder all the time what you think of me. I wonder if I'm good enough for you, sometimes. I don't want you to know how I feel, because if you don't feel the same way, it'd be awkward, and I can't do that to you.

I wish waiting to see you again wouldn't be so long. I'm sad that you haven't said anything in nearly a month now. Every day, I feel tempted to shout "Where are you?!" on your wall. I wish my mom wasn't able to see everything I do.

And eventhough, I feel all these different things, I'm still unsure. Is this real or fake? Am I making the same mistake again? Is this just me being me, always wanting to believe the impossible? I don't know.

And who knows? It might be years and years, before I ever even see you again. If you don't know how I feel, and you don't feel that way, why would you wait? I wouldn't. So, maybe I should just bury how I feel, back inside me, again.

But, now I can feel the tears pricking my eyes. And I don't know why they're there, too.


Saturday, April 12, 2008
I Won A Contest!
11:01 AM

AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!! I'M SHRIEKING AND SQUEALING LIKE A MAD GIRL, OK. MY VOICE IS LIKE TWO OCTAVES HIGHER. I DON'T BELIEVE IT!

...seriously! This is the best thing that could happen to me, especially since yesterday was one of the worst days ever. I was going to blog on how sucky it was, last night. But, now I can blog on how things are looking up! :]

I thought I lost that contest (I mean, I never enter anything expecting to win-unless in my wildest dreams-and least of all this contest) because it's a spot-how-many-of-something-there-are-in-a-pic type one. And it's basically guessing-work.

My eyes aren't that adept at spotting tiny stuff, and I've done these type of contests and games before, so I know that more is always better. So, I counted every suspicious-looking thing (I was spotting for tiny, fake white ghosts) in the picture, and came up with 5.

And 5 was correct. I'M STILL IN SHOCK.

This is the link to the blog with the results, with my name right there listed as a winner:
http://k-popped.com/2008/04/shadows-in-palace-contest-results.html

Yeah, the blog is familiar, isn't it? It's the same one which blogged about the F.T. Island fiasco, two weeks ago. After I discovered them by searching with Google, I just visited it every day, hoping the concert would still be on, and one of those days, before they had posted news on the final fate of the concert (I stopped visiting once they posted that it was canceled without replacement), the front page had the blog post for the contest, so I thought 'What the heck, I'll try it for fun.'

I submitted, and forgot I ever entered it. It feels like eons have passed, but that was less than two weeks ago. Shows how slowly my life is passing by. Or how busy I am. Not sure which, though.

And then, I check my inbox today - there's an e-mail from Kpopped.

Like, I thought maybe they just e-mail everyone, telling them whether they've won or lost. So, most likely I'd lost, that's what I was thinking. But, then I realized that nobody ever e-mails a contestant when they've lost, because that's a waste of time (except for Neopets - I submitted a story for the Neopian Times, a few years back, and they politely sent me a rejection letter).

Only WINNERS get e-mailed.

So, I deleted the e-mails I didn't want to open, and then clicked... and saw the word WINNER and died (citing example: I freaked out as much as Bao did when she read my fic update last night? ._.).

I admit the prize isn't something I can fully appreciate, since I've only watched Jewel In The Palace, and know nothing about Shadow In The Palace, except that it's a ghost story (hence, the mini-ghosts in the picture). But, if it's like a spin-off of Jewel In The Palace, I completely don't mind! I loved that show when I was twelve.

I even cut out the leading role's actress' pictures from a Chinese newsletter (a girl in my class stole the page it was on from this other guy's copy and gave it to me) and stuck them in my 2004-2005 scrapbook album.

Anyways, I was really very down in the dumps until I opened that e-mail. And now I feel like maybe stuff can go right, and things won't go wrong anymore. At least, for awhile. Plus, I'm hoping those parcels I mailed to the Philippines yesterday don't get lost because my mom didn't register them.

I was really upset about that yesterday; not worrying so much anymore. One sentence: God is SO GOOD. <3


Friday, April 11, 2008
Brighter
4:14 AM


It's 4.30am. I can't believe I did it again. I keep telling myself I'll sleep really early tonight, and wake up really early tomorrow, like a normal person. I got distracted by writing a 7-page diary entry. I never knew writing in my diary for seven pages straight could take up to 2 hours.

For the first time in quite awhile, I feel like the dark clouds are lifting, and things are getting better, at last. I'm happy that people do care about me, and I'm happy that I finally know what to do with myself. I'm glad that I did something brave for once in my life.

I can see the end of this part of my life coming soon. Once these waters recede, and the storm passes, the rainbow will be there. I'm feeling very blessed right now, and it's like all the darkness of the past weeks didn't happen.

Jamestown Story's Goodbye I'm Sorry is a song about suicide, and yet, I like listening to it. Maybe because I've never heard a song which expresses so well how a suicidal person feels as this one does. I used to be like that, when I was twelve and thirteen.

I'd lock my bathroom door, and cry. And I'd be thinking exactly what this song's lyrics say. Everything is worthless, no one wants me to stay. So here's my goodbye, no one will cry over me, I'm not worth any tears.

Thank God, I don't feel that way anymore.


Wednesday, April 9, 2008
Wide Awake
11:31 PM

Wide Awake by Making April

My mistake, you should never be afraid to cut your losses
now I know, now I know
It was mine to make, I was putting up a fight for worthless causes
now I know, just to let it go
I was dying for our moment to arrive
now I'm running further just to feel alive

Chorus:
Don't wanna get caught up dreaming of your love
cause when I open my eyes there's not a shot in this life
I might as well give up and save all my good luck
for when I've when I've got the extra change
you can move aside cause now I'm wide awake

Calling out you don't even pick it up on nights and weekends
over and over
Talk about not giving up for all the wrongest reasons
over and over
How was I mislead for so much time?
when it's all been said and done I'll be alright

(Chorus)

But is it getting any better yet?
Is it getting any better yet?
Well is it getting any better yet?

The word is out that I'm not giving in
and if you're ready by now well it's too late to begin

Don't wanna get caught up
dreaming of your love
cause when I open my eyes

(Chorus)

This song brought tears to my eyes. The line which says 'Don't wanna get caught up dreaming of your love, cause when I open my eyes there's not a shot in this life' made me think clearly, and realize that it's true. I don't wanna wake up in the morning (or afternoon). I just want to keep on sleeping and dreaming.

But, it's also avoiding the reality of things. The fact that I have exams in a month, and should be studying, not procrastinating. And despite all my optimism and hope, it's still pretty plain obvious he doesn't like me as much as I do. Heck, maybe I'm just fooling myself into liking him so much.

It wouldn't be the first time.

I'm such a mess, aren't I? I feel so unstable all the time. I can't keep anything under control, and I feel like such a bad friend, sometimes. Not to mention, I haven't read my Bible in forever and I'm not praying anymore. Something's gone wrong and I don't know what.

'I might as well give up and save all my good luck for when I've got the extra change.'

...but when will I wake up?


Monday, April 7, 2008
Ink Exchange
11:40 PM

I am so pissed off at Borders. Why can't they organize and restock their YA section better?! The section for authors with last names beginning with letter B is nearly empty, and what books left there are folded and kind of squashed up-looking.

And I want several new books, all of which won't be arriving here anytime soon, despite their release date having passed. Oh, sure, I can definitely order it from Borders but it'll also make them an extra chunkload of cash, wouldn't it?!

Evil, conniving, ruthless business people. :(

This is the one book that I am wanting the most, right now... and won't get until who knows when:



Ink Exchange is the sequel (or companion book, as the author calls it) to Wicked Lovely, a book about fairies and a girl who's can see them and is being stalked by their king to become his bride. Well, it's actually more complicated than that.

See, there are three dominant forces at work here: The Summer King, The Winter Queen and The King of the Dark Court. The reigning Summer King has no power, in fact, because of a deal struck between the Winter Queen (his mother) and the King of the Dark Court, Irial. Apparently, his mother murdered his father, the former Summer King and bound all his power, so that winter would be prevalent and summer would disappear.

Or something like that.

So, to break the curse or deal or whatever, the Summer King has to find and marry the Summer Queen. Except that he's been looking for nine centuries and still hasn't found her.

Instead, for every girl he chooses, in the hopes that they may be the sought-after Summer Queen, the girl loses her mortality, becomes a fairy and has to choose between the safety of being another Summer Girl (basically, becoming part of the king's harem) or attempting to pick up the Winter Queen's staff.

If she is the Summer Queen, the deal will be broken and the king's power restored. If not, she becomes the Winter Girl, who can feel only icy coldness and loneliness, and has to warn and deter the next girl chosen from picking up the staff. But, only until another girl picks up the staff, whereby she either becomes the Summer Queen, or becomes the Winter Girl, will the current Winter Girl be released.

Ack, I think I gave away too much of the book, already.

Interested? Intrigued? Want to know more? Then, buy the book. And then, come and gripe with me as we wait for Ink Exchange to get here. I already read it's prologue (the author, Melissa Marr, posted it on her
LJ blog) and I am now as impatient as I was last year, after finishing New Moon, and finding out Eclipse wouldn't be out for another 3-5 months.

You can also visit her author website here: http://www.melissa-marr.com/

Melissa Marr actually has an on-going art competition, and I've been tempted to submit something since September last year. Except I can never get around to doing it, and there always seems to be something more important to focus on... such as exams.

I should definitely sleep now, or do something else than type here. My days are melting away and soon, I'll be unprepared and out of time; somebody please shoot me now. And it's been two weeks since he last posted on my wall. Where is he?

Because I miss him. I miss the sudden surge of excitement I get, and the giggles I make whenever I read his replies. I need it now, more than ever.



Friday, April 4, 2008
Plain Jayne
12:57 AM

It's the first week of April, and I am so dead. Mainly because, next month, on the 15th of May, my O-Level exams are starting! And I have not finished studying the syllabus of any one of the four subjects I'm taking, yet. So, I will do what I do best, cram cram cram.

To make matters even more worse, I just discovered that there's this freaky genius girl about a year older than me or so, who's also really pretty (making me dislike her even more), who's taken her SPM already, and gotten 12As, and... I kid you not, PUBLISHED TWO BOOKS!

Now, she's applying to Ivy League colleges in the USA, and her blog has her talking about how easy the SATs for her are going to be.

Can you tell that I'm insanely jealous? Because truthfully, I am. And incredibly resentful too. :(

I can't do anything special, like that. I'm not good enough. Sure, I can go to as many lessons and classes I want to, but I'll never win competitions, or get recognized or anything. I'm just average. Maybe if I worked harder instead of spending all my time on this computer of mine.

As usual, I always get insecure about this stuff. I thought I was over it already, but looks like it can still get to me. And that is very bad. But I don't know how to make myself not feel it.

It's taken me so long to learn to not care about how I look; I don't know how long it'll take me to learn how not to care about not being able to be the best at something, or anything, for that matter.

No wonder when I was little, I used to cry every time I lost a game of musical chairs. I gained a reputation for being the cry-baby girl who couldn't take losing. Seriously though, I had to train myself to hold the tears in later, because I didn't want them to give me funny looks and say stuff about me.

I'm also terrible at handling criticism. Well, not now, anymore. But, last time, yes. I'd break down and call whatever it was I'd done horrible, and then chuck it into a furnace (figuratively, but it would get scrapped literally) and call myself a complete failure.

I'd end up giving myself a lot of self-pity, then (I didn't know it was a bad thing until later).

I suppose this competitive, perfectionist, strive-to-be-the-best part of myself is what compelled me to take language classes, piano classes, art classes, dance classes, ice-skating classes... because I wanted to stand out of the crowd. I wanted to be different.

But you can't really stand out or be different if you suck at what you do. That's right. I cannot ice-skate, or dance, or play the piano nicely, or get the intonation of Chinese tones right, or remember the sentence structure of Japanese. It took me a year to realize that the second layer in watercolor art is the shadow of the object.

*sigh* That's why I stopped most of it. I'd only be wasting my parents' money. I wish I could pay them back for all the wasted money they've spent on my foolish ambitions.

But strangely, saying all that I've said, just made me feel a whole lot better on the inside. Like, I don't have to carry it with me anymore. Actually, I've never written it all down before.

Which proves that Meg Cabot's advice on why you should keep a journal is correct! Evidently, it helps you solve your problems if you see it all down on paper.

Oh, and the F.T. Island concert was refunded. *throws cream pies at their dumb management in anger*