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Name: Jayne Lee Mei Ying
Age: 16 years old
Date of Birth: June 29th 1992
Location: Malaysia

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Friday, May 2, 2008
Time To Tell The Truth
1:16 AM

I feel like I'm being kept from my one true love by my dad, like in all those romance movies. He doesn't support my passion at all, and it's such a big contradiction, on his part. Two years ago, he told me to go after my dreams, and to never tell myself 'no', and now he's telling me NO. My parents used to be so encouraging. Now, with my brother pursuing politics and economics and writing books, it's like... I don't know. Like, they want me to top that. Or they don't want me to do radical stuff like him.

My dad keeps putting more and more pressure on me about the exams. He keeps asking me how I'm doing, and I keep on having to lie. I feel horrible, but if I don't lie, I'll just bring unwanted attention on myself, and things will just be a whole lot more worse. Not to mention, I can't keep myself from swearing and cussing whenever something pisses me off, nowadays. Last time, I never even said the word 'shit'. Now, I say BIG words under my breath a lot, and that makes me feel even more ashamed of myself. I shouldn't be saying them, but I'm just so aggravated.

I can't write new fic chapters, or draw and paint, because I have to focus on studying, and working at maths, and feeling like an idiot everytime I do, because it just doesn't make sense to me. I literally spend the whole day staring at my maths book, and then, about an hour of piano-playing, and that's it. I feel so deprived. I want to read my books again! I want to draw portraits, and paint new pictures, and write more of my fic! And I can't. I CAN'T. It's killing me.

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I tried telling my dad about my plans after the exams, and when I mentioned that the college I wanted to apply to, The One Academy near Sunway Lagoon, only needed a minimum of one 'O' Level credit for you to apply to their Art and Design Foundation program, he scoffed and said it must be a lousy school, if it had such a low standard. And it's one of the best art and design schools in Malaysia. I got so mad, that the moment he said that, I just said "Never mind." Then, he was all, "What?"

Seriously. My dad doesn't get ANYTHING. Ughhhh.

Nobody believes in me, not even my mom. And definitely not my dad. I don't know when this whole 'discourage Jayne from going to the USA' started. It's so damn irritating. Just because I say I want to go to the School of Visual Arts New York.

"New York's too dangerous."

"Go to Auckland University. It's free."

"Just New York? Why don't you think of anywhere else?"

Shut up. Shut up. Shut up.

I'm sick of hearing all this negativity! Why do only I believe in myself? Why do only I see my future? Why do only I think I can do it? No one has faith in me. I'm all alone. I'm tempted to swear again. Now, I know exactly how all my friends feel. This is the crappiest feeling ever.

And I'm expected to beat my elder brother's grades - 6 As 1 B. After all, I am the one who has gotten straight As in the UPSR and PMR, so why shouldn't I be able to top his 'O' Level score, when he didn't get straight As in either the UPSR or PMR? That's easy to answer.

Because I'm not a genius who can write and argue about politics and get a near-perfect SAT score, and get invited to a month-long leadership seminar in the USA because of my score. That's my brother, not me. Heck, I still have no idea how I got straight As in the UPSR or PMR! I expected to fail my PMR, thank you very much.

Now, it's like I'm forced to live up to something I don't know how I accomplished in the first place. And they expect this of me, but they don't think I'd be able to qualify for a scholarship to an art school. Crush crush crush.

I rarely like to fill my blog with rants, because I don't like writing out bad feelings and memories - I don't want to have to remember them, when they're finally over. But, I'm changing that rule now. If I can't be truthful with myself on my own blog, how can I be truthful with myself at all?

Just now, my sister was watching High School Musical, the original, and I started to feel reminiscent. It made me remember everything I used to love - school, clubs, activities. Can I ever go back now? Can I ever return? I never got to know what it'd have been like to really be involved in something. I'm hoping going to college would let me have that chance, but... it's always been in the back of my mind, that this New Zealand PR thing would come true, and then we'd leave and I'd get to go back to high school for another year, and be normal again.

But, it doesn't look like it's coming. I'm still praying, and hoping, but that faith and hope's starting to waver. I can't believe this. The one thing I always keep in mind, from the Bible, is not to worry. But I feel like, is God telling me to stop having false hope? Or does he want me to keep praying, and holding out, and believing, and to stop doubting? I don't know.

And I feel like I don't deserve to keep praying for this, because of my gutter-mouth habit lately. It just feels wrong. I wish, I wish, I wish. I tell my mom not to give up hope, but here I am, being weak, like this.

I want to live my own life, but I'll never be able to do that as long as I'm stuck here. My parents still keep tabs on my elder brother, eventhough he's already eighteen, and about to finish his freshman year. AND ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE WORLD. I, seriously, refuse to allow myself to get the same treatment when I'm his age. It's embarrassing.

Sometimes, I just get so sick of being drilled with the same crap all the time, that I just want to go against everything they've taught me since I was small, just to prove something. They think I'm going to go sleeping around with some overly-tattooed guy, and start doing drugs, if they let me out of their sight. It's ridiculous. They were NEVER this protective/strict when I was younger. Shouldn't I have more freedom, now that I'm older?

It's all because of that stupid incident, a year ago. Now, they need to know everyone's phone numbers, and they're paranoid I'll get kidnapped. Hey, if I get kidnapped, I get kidnapped. Goodbye, forget I exist. One less burden to spend money on, huh, Dad?

Before that stupid thing happened, my dad didn't give a damn who I went out with, didn't notice. Now, he wants to do all this shit. Ugh, I wish I never went out on that stupid outing, and I want to sue the creators of Death Note 2 for making it 3 HOURS LONG. Thanks to them, I now have to suffer for the rest of my life.

This all sounds incredibly harsh, but it's just the truth. I'm sick and tired of being compromising, and neutral. This is what's going on inside me, and this is what I think. No edits, no cuts. Judge me all you want. Just don't think it'll affect me one bit.