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Name: Jayne Lee Mei Ying
Age: 16 years old
Date of Birth: June 29th 1992
Location: Malaysia

Touch a feeling you've never had.
Hear a voice you didn't know.
See a person you hadn't thought of.

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Saturday, May 10, 2008
Kanon
1:01 AM

Kanon! She's a Japanese singer, with a very enchanting voice. You give me the power, you give me the strength. I love that song. Anyway, I found out about her when I went searching for a way to download the opening theme for La Corda D'Oro Primo Passo. This fansite, Crescendo, had download links for her Brand New Breeze album, and for the album with the ending theme too (by Stella Quintet). The albums have the instrumental versions of the songs too.

So, then, I got so inspired that I wrote a one-shot for fun. Which I posted up on Fanfiction. net. And received 130+ hits last I checked, but only four people reviewed (including Bao-chan <3).

I like getting reviews and reading them. They make me smile, and I mini-spaz everytime I see an e-mail in my inbox that I've been reviewed. What I don't like is having to beg people to review. I don't want to be whiny, and demand people to review, but it's irritating to see the hits rise, while everyone keeps silent.

It's weird, but I see it as a sort-of rejection when that happens. I've seen other stories get thousands of reviews, and not to be obnoxious/mean/bitchy, I don't think most of them were all that great either. I work very hard to make sure my stories are neat, and written with proper grammar and spelling. Another thing I don't like is repetitive and over-used plots, so I make sure that mine are as original as possible, or I don't write it.

Ok, I'm not talking about the fanfiction in the La Corda D'Oro section. I'm specifying the Twilight section, since I've written three stories there (I had another one but I deleted it because it was a bit too much to handle, plot-wise). I've tried to tweak my stories to appeal more to the readers, taking hints from the stories with many reviews, but it hasn't worked.

Maybe it's just because I'm not writing stories involving the Cullens directly. But, there are thousands (I'm serious, there are about 20, 000+ stories in this section) of stories with them as characters, already. I'm simply trying to provide a little more variety for everyone. I guess it's tough when there are so many other writers out there to compete with.

I am glad, though, that I've had a few loyal readers since I started my first story (in May, last year! I'll be officially one year-seasoned at the end of this month). Sweet girls. I have some of them in my MySpace and Facebook, but we only talked occasionally. There was this one girl, though, who was nice enough to message me on MySpace and ask me what was wrong, when I was down once. I'll never forget that.

:]

Oh, gosh. I've gone through two out of three of my Mentos Sour Mix rolls, already. 99 cents each. They're like drugs for me. Ever since the supermarkets stopped supplying the Trebor Sherbet sweets, I've turned to Mentos to keep me satiated. They don't taste as good as the sherbet ones did, though. I think the company producing them discontinued the product, or went bankrupt.

On an off note, those sweets really did have this white powder substance inside them, so I wonder if they really were some-sort of drug? I used to go through two packs of 36-45 sweets in a day, when I was younger. My dad had them banned, but I still found ways to sneak them in. Like, secretly dropping them into the shopping trolley and my mom paying for them without realizing, most of the time.

Yes, I am a criminal mastermind. ;)

I think I'd make a good pick-pocket. When I was in primary 5, I went to my friend's table, picked up her pencil box in front of her and walked away, without her noticing, since I was so naturally calm about it. My other friend was so amazed. But primary 5 and 6 are not my happiest years. I have lots of reasons but I don't feel like talking about all of them now.

Lately, I've been having a very dirty imagination. Sigh. I feel both blessed and cursed to have developed so fast. On one hand, all the adults I meet always respect me more because they think I'm in college or working, and I could probably pretend to be older and not have anyone notice or ask questions, but on the other, I have to deal with all the stuff that comes with being a woman, not a girl.

My boobs got bigger than any of the other girls in my class when I was ten, and I was the only one who didn't want to wear a camisole. I wasn't ready to grow up yet. But, I did. Then, the attack of the acne came when I was eleven, and I didn't do anything about it (something I horribly regret now) because I didn't think they'd get so bad. Now, my face still has red marks like I've got pimples there, eventhough my skin is actually smoother than it looks.

And then, I got my period at age twelve, in school, and the entire class, all guys included, knew, because first my skirt was stained with so much blood (sorry, if this is grossing anyone out... :/), so my chair had some, then my friend like rushed me to the bathroom, but nobody cleaned the chair, and then this guy SAT on my chair, and my other friend went "ZOMG." and told him, then he was like, "SHIT." and then suddenly, the whole class knew because he kind of yelled or something.

Thank God, I didn't know what happened until the next day. Otherwise, I might as well have just died. Good thing, it's a taboo to talk about such stuff in my primary school, since the students were mostly Malay. My mom says I'm lucky, because if that happened at any school she went to when she was my age, I'd have been taunted and humiliated for days. :(

My feet growing to size 9/10 so fast when I was little, that I had to start wearing adult-size strappy heels before I even went to secondary school, is another thing I hate. I'd look at all the Bubblegummers shoes and wish my feet weren't so big so I could wear those instead, and not have to look at the adult sizes and wonder if they'd fit me or not.

I still feel sad that I didn't get to enjoy wearing Mary-Janes when I could still fit them. Regretting the past is very bad, but I wish I had a way to go back to when I was eleven, and tell myself to go wash my face. I wish I could go back to my six-year old self, and tell her not to pick at the dry scabs on her legs, because they'd leave scars.

But, what's done is done. Now, I've got to live with all the mistakes my childhood self made. I whine about this stuff too much. I'm like a tape recorder repeating the same things over and over again. I should just shut up and forget about the past, shouldn't I?

Ack, I completely side-tracked from what I was supposed to talk about.

The whole reason I started talking about my horrendous puberty stage, is because I feel like I'm older on the inside too, the way I am on the outside, sometimes. I'm always thinking about what it'd be like to have a relationship, to have my first kiss, to hold hands with a guy, to have sex. Mmhm, I'm very dirty-minded. :(

My mom says I'm too young for all this stuff, and that I should just enjoy being young and care-free while I still can, and just have guy-friends, but I think I grew up too fast, before I had a chance to be a kid, mom. I've been thinking about having crushes since I was seven. Heck, I had my first short-term crush on the twelve-year old I sat next to on the school-bus when I was that age.

That's primarily one of the reasons why I've always had problems being friends with any guy. I'm too conscious of the fact that I might give them the impression I'm attracted to them,or something like that. Another thing is that I went to a school full of Malay guys, so I never actually talked to any Chinese guys my age before, in my life, until I went to secondary school. I didn't have any guy cousins my age either, or neighbors.

I once went to the park in front of my old house when I was about nine or so, and I kissed my little sister on the cheek, when she was playing on the bouncy rides, and this guy my age saw me do it, and he yelled to the entire park of kids that I'm a lesbian. Which of, course, made me cry.

:(

His mom came out and scolded him, but I gave up on going to the park in the evenings, awhile after that. None of the kids liked playing with me either, and I was just too shy to ask if I could join in.

...I just realized that I've had a very messed up childhood. I even have a very early memory of when I was about two years old (babies remember certain stuff for weird reasons, sometimes...) and my mom brought my brother and I to one of the neighbor's apartments, in Singapore, to play with her two sons (they were mixed ang-mohs, that I remember too xD).

And I don't know why, but I think I did something which made them scold me, and I burst into tears, and ran to my mom crying, and I distinctly remember my mom and the aunty laughing. See, even as a two-year old, guys already made me cry. :(

OMG. Do you think I'm one of those girls who has problems with guys because of childhood trauma? :/

I just realized I have a long history of guys hurting me (there are more experiences, but I can't list them out, or this post will get even longer). Could this be why I'm so desperate for a relationship? So, for once, a guy won't hurt me but love me instead?

I guess this is why it's so tough for me to trust even the guys who are nice to me, or to realize that they're genuinely being nice (there was one guy who tried to be nice to me when I was in Form 2 but I was kind-of dumb and didn't know it). Ugh, go away stupid tears in my eyes, now.

Seriously. This never occured to me before. I always just thought I'd read too many romance novels, or watched too many movies or adult TV or something, so I was conditioned to think grown-up things.

I find it impossibly hard to believe that I'll ever find a guy who can actually love me. What guy could love someone as mentally and physically screwed up as me? I'm not worth it. Excuse me while I go drown in these tears now.

(You guys don't have to say anything, I know I'm always such a crybaby about everything.)